


Fingers Inside Your Heart and Your Mind (You'll Never Get Out of This)

by smokeandjollyranchers



Category: Critical Role
Genre: Bren was there did you see him?, But also, F/M, I WAS SO FOR IT YOU GUYS IT'S WILD, Major Character Injury, Spoilers for Episode 55, like major spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 15:03:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18122699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokeandjollyranchers/pseuds/smokeandjollyranchers
Summary: "In his haze he feels something else, between the hurt, and the longing. He feels rage, it’s bitterness mixing with the rest, and he flexes his fingers"Spoilers for you know, THAT part of episode 55. Title from Blood Loss by The Horrible Crowes, which you'll be seeing here again, EVENTUALLY





	Fingers Inside Your Heart and Your Mind (You'll Never Get Out of This)

He hears her whisper, over the stagnant air of the chamber. 

It’s soft, and it stirs something in his chest, long buried and  _ wanting.  _ Caleb’s eyes find the source, the woman, the succubus. He thinks, for a moment, he should say something, try and stop this, but her smile is so soft. It reminds him of red lips pulled into a soft smile, curves under his hands as they dance, waiting for the Lord and his Wife to leave the party, so they can get them alone, so they can  _ kill them _ . It reminds him of an obnoxiously loud laugh that pulls him from his scrolls, only to have his annoyance die when he sees the genuine happiness on her face.

It reminds him of drunken feet falling into the lead of steady ones, a cold hand in his. Reminds him of a hushed conversation between them, blue lips in a soft smile as she teases him. The way the woman on the wall smiles at him reminds him of the way she had smiled at him, once he’d unwrapped the bandages for good, soft and hidden, almost shy. Caleb wants to trust her, she looks like the other women he’s trusted.

Nott speaks to him, and it startles him a little, he’s forgotten she was here. That’s strange, how could he forget Nott? His little friend is usually the first person on his radar. He watches her, trying to listen, but everything feels a little hazy, he thinks there might be something wrong with that. He’s seen a lot of magic like this before and maybe this isn’t one of the good ones?”

Then Nott tells him about her letter to Astrid.

_ Astrid _ , soft smile, red lips, blood under her nails, poison in her veins. Fondness and fear grip his heart, knowing out there, she might have a link to him. The voice, the woman’s voice, on the wall, she chuckles, lips pulled into a smile.  _ Oh dear, that’s quite the betrayal, isn’t it? Do your friends always rip open your wounds in such a way? They should be taught better, don’t you think? Call them in, I’ll help you show them. _

In his haze he feels something else, between the hurt, and the longing. He feels  _ rage _ , it’s bitterness mixing with the rest, and he flexes his fingers. Caleb calls for them to come in, and Nott still eyes him curiously, but hesitantly, like she can taste the change in him in the air. He pulls his eyes from hers, to watch the rest of his party come in. They don’t move as though they’re in any danger, they simple like towards him, like they trust him, like they don’t expect anything from him. He tilts his head, eyebrow raised as he watches them.

_ How can you trust them? They brought you down here, where there’s no light, how will you defend yourself? They think you’re weak, they think you’re going to be easy to dispatch, they want you dead. But you’re not going to let that happen, are you  _ liebling? _ No, of course not. That’s not in your head, I see it all. Light them up, pretty. _

It’s easier than he thought it would be, to move his hands in the familiar motions, speak those words that leave ash in his mouth, and throw a fireball at his friends. It lands as it always does,  _ spectacularly _ , the inferno smashing against the rocks, against  _ them _ , and he hears them scream. He sees Jester and Caduceus fly back against the impact, barely managing to cover their faces as he does. Fjord also takes a faceful of fire, and in the impact, he loses track of the rest. Caleb glances down at his hand, the last glow of the magic fading from his burnt fingertips, and there’s another voice in his head, familiar and low, a wicked grin in its tone.  _ Gods, I’ve missed that feeling _ .

The rest of his party react quickly, alert now. Yasha charges in, eyes darting around the room, looking for  _ whatever _ Caleb had been trying to attack. Her eyes are already flashing, leaning into her rage comfortably. He pulls his eyes from her, only to see Beau in front of him, trapping his arm in her grip. Her eyes are wild, fingers digging into his skin so hard, he’s sure it’ll bruise. “What happened?!” She demands, her eyes on his. “Is this the day we all feared? Do I have to kill you now?!”

Caleb thinks it might be a joke, maybe, but he sees the way her gaze changes as she stares at him. Beau sees  _ nothing _ in his gaze. There’s no trace of Caleb left in his eyes, and he clenches his fist, popping his knuckles. He hears whispering, and his eyes find Jester. She’s casting into her cupped hands, and when she pulls them away, green sparks at her fingers, she covers her ears. There’s something strange in her gaze too, if she were smart, it would be fear, but that’s not what she’s looking at him with. He feels her magic pushing against him, against his head. Caleb is floored for a moment, surprised his friends would  _ attack him _ . The piece of him that Trent build, the piece of him that won’t let himself die, takes over, shrugging off Jester’s spell.

The woman on the wall tuts, her voice in his head soothing.  _ Look how they attack you. Beau, she tries to pin you, and Jester? Oh they’re trying to kill you aren’t they? How could they do that to you? _

_ They won’t. _ He answers, reaching into his bag. He pulls out a handful of phosphorus, and he squelches it across his palm.  _ Instantly _ , it burns against his skin, igniting once it hits the air. He takes the contained flame, and throws it forward. A wall of flame erupts from his hands, and he’s trapped Yasha, Beau and Jester in it’s flame.  _ They’re the greatest threat _ he tells himself, chemicals sizzling against his palms.  _ You can’t let them near you _ .

There's a moment where there’s only the roar of flame, then he dripping. Caleb manages to look over his shoulder just in time to see the giant wall of water come crashing towards him. Bren reacts before  _ he _ can, his fingers digging into the rocks. He feels one, then two fingernails snap from his hands, but he doesn’t let go, refusing to be shoved through his own wall. Though his dripping hair, he’s able to see Fjord fly back against the wall, but Beau manages to stand her ground, wary eyes on his. It’s the worry in Beau’s face that doesn’t have him completely prepared for when Yasha comes barreling through the hole in his wall, trying to whack him with the blunt edge of her sword.

His magic deflects it, and he tries to defend himself, but this time, her sword cuts through his shoulder,  _ stuck _ . Caleb feels it resting against his collarbone, and he watches his blood bubble up from the wound, warmer than the air of the cavern. The woman on the wall, her voice disappears from his mind, and with it, the haziness he’s fallen into. He blinks, once. Before the pain sets in, he hears Bren in the back of his head, chuckling.  _ You’re welcome _ .

Then it’s just  _ pain _ . 

Yasha’s sword is heavy, and sunk into him  _ deep _ . He clenches his teeth, confused, as he looks around. Fire,  _ his _ fire is everywhere. He sees ash resting on all of his friends, he  _ knows _ he’s done this.  _ Again _ . Yasha pulls her sword from him, and he hisses as she does.  _ What’s happening? _

He’s confused, but too smart  _ not _ to piece together what’s happened. Those fucking... _ they used him _ . Caleb brings a hand to his shoulder, pressing against the blood soaking through his jacket. It’s pointless, he feels his blood running down his ribs but he lets it.  _ He deserves this _ . He was going to  _ kill _ them, he felt it in his bones, in his blood, in his head.  _ Oh it had been so long since he’d given into that feeling _ .

It felt  _ good _ , and he  _ hates  _ himself for it.

Caleb shakes his head, dropping the wall of fire. He meet’s Beau’s gaze, and she looks  _ nervous _ , her fists almost raised. He reaches into his pocket for the root, and chews it, mumbling an apology as he casts his haste spell on Beau, and her pupils blow out. She bounces on her feet a couple times before she jogs off, looking for the creatures that did this. Sucking a breath through his teeth, he holds himself up against the rocks.  _ You’re still just the fucking animal the Empire created you to be, you follow orders and you do nothing else. Masquerading as a person when you’re nothing but the hound they made you to be. How long will you get away with this? How long do you  _ want _ to get away with this? _

Part of him wants to vomit, but he knows it’ll just be blood. He watches Yasha and Fjord through half open eyes as they stomp out more of those little creatures. When he looks around, he can’t see the succubus anymore, she’s fled. Once it seems like there’s a moment for them to breathe, Jester whirls on him, a strange rage in her eyes. “Caleb  _ what the fuck _ ?!”

He stammers out... _ something _ , tries to explain, but how’s he supposed to defend himself when he wasn’t  _ holding back on them at all _ . He doesn’t know what he can say, except that he’s sorry, quietly, through the pain. He tells  _ her _ he’s sorry, his eyes on the burns on her skin, the blood burnt so badly her bleeding stopped. There’s no defense for what he’s done, but...he’s so sorry. When she walks away from him, she’s angry. He almost smiles, hobbling towards where Beau and Fjord saw that thing run.  _ Oh, it would be so much easier if she could just hate him _ .

There’s not too much time to think about that however, once they round the corner, a creature comes from the wall, standing nearly as tall as the tunnel itself, and it eyes fall on their already broken group. Hell breaks loose.

* * *

The first time he goes down, he’s  _ grateful _ .

The guilt, and the pain, and the last several hours weigh heavy on his shoulders, and as his vision swims, he realizes he’s  _ sick  _ of it. He carries it everywhere, this oily hatred that fills his lungs faster than his blood does. Yasha stands above him, eyes blank as she swings down at him again. Caleb forgives her already, fuck he might even feel indebted to her, finally making the call to remove him from this plane. She’s done what he’s been to much of a coward to do, and he’s  _ grateful _ .

* * *

When he wakes next, Nott is protecting him. Like she always is, like she always does, but he can’t help but feel like he’s not worth it.  _ He’s not _ , and if she’s truly reached out to Astrid the way she says she has? Oh, it’s better if he dies here because Astrid is not going to be happy about this, about any of this, but she’ll be more forgiving to them if his broken body is under a well somewhere, rotting, as it should be.

_ Or will she be angry, having missed her shot at his throat herself _ .

He supposes he’ll never know. Yasha is back on him, and the world goes cold again. It almost feels nice, to have the heat seep away from his bones for the first time in years.

* * *

Caleb’s eyes open to the damp stone floor, and he coughs, blood leaking between his teeth.

His entire body  _ aches _ . Even as he breathes, he can feel where flesh has been weaved back together. Long bruises replacing gashes from Yasha’s sword, and a deep pulsing in his bones as he tries to move. Jester’s hand is on his shoulder, and she shakes her head, standing back in front of him. “Don’t worry, Caleb. It’ll feel better when we’re all dead.”

_ Fuck _ he hopes she won’t die with him, not here, not when the world isn’t ready to let go of her. He needs to stand, to get back up, to fucking  _ do something. _ Even as he struggles to his feet, here’s lightning against his back, and he falls again, face in his own blood. The way the ozone burns around him. He watches Jester as his vision fades, shaking as she faces down the creature, the smell of lightning weakening her resolve.

_ He’s going to abandon her to her death again _ , and he’s never felt so much regret.

* * *

When he wakes again, he almost wishes he wouldn’t.

Caleb is no stranger to pain, but  _ this _ is excessive. There’s bruising through his muscles, and from what he can see of his chest through his shredded shirt is mostly painted in blacks and purples. His breathing comes in ragged puffs, but he breathes. He lolls his head against the wall he’s been propped up against, and he can see Jester peeking around the doorway, back into the chamber she must’ve dragged him out of. He groans as he readjusts, and Jester jumps, looking back to him.

Her eyes meet his in a strange way, but he can’t focus on that. Instead, he pulls out some molasses, and runs it across his bottom lip, choking out the spell. He waits until he sees the giant creature in the chamber’s movements become stilled, and then  _ slow _ . Caleb drops his head, panting as his eyes close again, pain pulsing with each breath. Jester sighs, falling to her knees. “That would’ve been really cool a lot earlier, Caleb.”

He smiles, welcoming the pain it causes. He mumbles she should’ve healed him earlier, and Jester laughs. It sounds tired, and it’s soft, but she still laughs. He opens his eyes and she’s smiling at him, lip split and hair sticking up in funny directions from the electricity in the air.

“I’ve done nothing  _ but _ heal you.”

_ That’s true _ , he thinks, watching as Beau rips out the creatures heart with her hands. He wants to apologize to her again, but he waits. He’s barely able to keep his eyes open, and the pitiful mess of wounds that it his body won’t let him move. He’s going to have to tell her, later, once he’s truly lived through this, once he isn’t  _ broken _ . Someday, someday he’ll have to answer for this.

He hopes she’ll still be around to hear it.

**Author's Note:**

> AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
> THAT EPISODE THOUGH. YOU KNOW I HAD TO WRITE SOME ANGST DOWN FOR THAT. Shit that was a lot though. I can't WAIT for Thursday.   
> As always, enjoy!
> 
> youcanreplytothisoneshot


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